I love being a mom

I love being a mom & still can’t believe it (I NEVER wanted to have kids!)

If you know me, like REALLY know me, you’d be as shocked as I am sometimes that I am a mom!

Last week I was at our local fish market and ran into an attorney I used to work with. “Can you believe this is my gorgeous offspring?” I asked. (half asking myself)

As I stared at Antonio with such pride, I remembered the woman my coworker used to know.

I spent my 20’s & early 30’s as a paralegal in large corporate law firms. I worked late every night, I was often the only female on my team, I was always the youngest, and beyond driven to prove myself in the workplace and world.

I never cooked, my dog went to daycare, I covered my tattoos with blazers, and I considered cheese and wine as a well-rounded meal. Ahhh, our 20’s! I also traveled a LOT (like – a lot!), went out almost every night, and went shopping every weekend. I was the rich aunty who spoiled my nieces and nephew.

I was selfish, I had fun.

I lived alone for over 5 years, and it is some of my fondest memories. I believe every woman (if they have the opportunity to do so) should do two things in her lifetime: take a solo trip (preferably internationally) and live alone. You cannot run from yourself when you are alone, you cannot run from your thoughts, fears or anxiety.

Learning to love myself and be content with being alone, has truly given me some of the tools I needed to survive motherhood. (because man, motherhood can be lonely!)

I have said my entire life if I wasn’t pregnant by 35, I wasn’t going to have kids. I was happily
married by 33, but I still was afraid of trying to get pregnant.

What was I afraid of? Well, besides not seeing a lot of other women who were appealingly happy as mothers, not getting my pre-baby body back (but those are for other blog posts) you cannot break up with or divorce a child.

Yep, I said that.

My greatest fear of having a child was the lifelong commitment. But that’s the thing about having children. You don’t wake up and make the conscious decision to choose them every day like you do with your spouse. And hear me out – with our spouses, we choose them. My husband is my soulmate. I would choose him in this lifetime and every lifetime. I choose to make the decision to show up in my marriage and fulfill the vows I read to him in the desert when we eloped. As much as I am IN love with him and love him, I didn’t carry him in my womb.

I don’t have the option to choose Antonio every day, because he’s an extension of me. When I think about the fact that he GREW in my belly, feeling his every movement, two souls sharing one body – to the both of us fighting for our lives as I brought him into this world… it’s the most indescribable bond that one can ever experience in this lifetime. It’s a relationship that makes you pray that you live for eternity, so you don’t ever have to miss a moment of it.

On my 35th birthday, we surprised all our family and friends by announcing our pregnancy!

It was at our dear friend’s restaurant (which we later had our baby shower and Antonio’s 1st birthday at too!) I remember sipping a mocktail anxiously waiting for everyone to arrive so we could make our announcement. I remember wearing a crochet dress with a one-piece bathing suit under it, hugging the last of my abs – and feeling confident and as ready as I could be. I was still afraid “what if the baby doesn’t like me?!” but I knew I had the best human I had ever met standing next to me, ready to take on this next chapter of our lives together.

“So, do you ever think about coming back to the law firm?”

“Oh God no!” I replied. Half to him, half to my child who was giving me that devilish grin right before he does something he shouldn’t.

I mean apart from being a SAHM, cooking multiple meals every day, laundry, finances, homeschooling, running my husband’s online business/books/schedule, and keeping afloat my own small business… the amount of money I am saving my husband to hire a fleet of people to do all of the above!

You’re welcome, honey. Wink wink 😉

All kidding aside, I genuinely wouldn’t want to miss any of these moments I am being allowed to experience by being a SAHM. I am only doing this once in life, so I want to memorize and soak up each experience. I know not everyone has the opportunity to stay home, and I don’t take the fact that I do for granted. I personally feel that because I got to experience so much of life before I had Antonio, I’ve never felt like I am “missing out”. I’m continually reminded that life is made up of experiences and moments, and these moments are not only sweet and precious, but fleeting.

Share with me! Did you always want to have kids? Do you have fears regarding parenthood? Were you a young parent or did you wait until later in life?